As I draw parallels between myself and textbook.

In response to the thoughtless comment about my naivety I referenced last week, I have one thing to say:
Look at me, study me, and understand me. Then, and only then, should you make your judgment.
Too often we are objects of initial passing of judgments. This week, I tasked myself with this: when I feel myself making a judgment about someone I’ve never spoken with (or only met briefly), I took a step back and gave them the benefit of the doubt. It was really fucking hard. But I could feel myself becoming a less bitter person as I did it. I probable failed more then half of the time. But I guess it’s a training exercise, right? Also tough when traveling alone because you also still need to be safe and not let your guard down.

As a quick catch up: I’m currently on the plane going from Germany to Los Angeles (by way of Paris in which I have a 45 min layover! Wish me luck…) I have more or less finished the audit work in Germany. Yes, in a week. I’ll need to get some final results and tie up paperwork/pitching out next week, but it should be achievable. I still have no idea where I’m heading next. Next being Tuesday, and it’s Friday. There was mention of Florence, though. This would be so very kick ass because it still remains to be my favorite city in Europe (that and Madrid).

Gotta catch up, first, before I dig into any emotional BS. It’s due. Keisterslaughten (my one night side trip last weekend) was perfect. Perfect perfect perfect - A wonderful little reprieve. I encountered spectacular hospitality though a hostess that was an old soul. She was wise beyond her years. Her house was in a tiny tiny little village in the German countryside. They had horses (GIANT GERMAN HORSES!) in the barn next to the house. We took a road trip to France to see a castle (my first time in France!), ate lunch at a charming little restaurant next to her barn/house. And then the highlight of it all… the Chickenfest!!! Did you know that this area of Germany has the largest population of Americans living outside of the United States? Try 50,000. It’s because of a triad of military bases in the region. So the “Chickenfest” (basically a beer-fest with delicious roasted chicken and music) was full of Americans AND Germans. I met lots of cute very short haircut kind of boys. They were very silly. And very attentive… the draught of American females fed this, I’m sure. Nothing too crazy, home and in bed by 1 after lengthy conversations about housekeeping and painting with my hostess.

Speaking of the hostess, just a little more detail. Here is this woman who has chosen her path path, and has found balance in it all. An Airfoce wife: leaving her career and everything she knew and love to follow her heart and the love of her life. She still finds daily ways to stretch herself and quite obviously be an amazing individual. INDIVIDUAL being the key word... even in a world and life that is so very much about her husband.

Had a visitor for a brief night in Freiburg. A certain auditor boy in route to his home return. It was not good. The sad and hard part was that it was very good for him. I felt not comfortable. Not during any point. He does not want to let it go and I have no idea how to convince him anymore. I don’t know what else to do or say except be an asshole. And I don’t want to do that. I’ve already done that to a certain extent and it makes me feel terrible. I shouldn’t have seen him. It was a mistake. I won’t do it again in the future. Not in those circumstance. When it’s just he and I. He feels something I don’t. And I can’t imagine how much he hurts. Actually, I can. And because of this, I feel terrible. Stop with that. Stop stop stop.

I had another work breakdown after K-town (as affectionately referenced). I had such a hard time going back after my little reprieve… even though it is SO much better…. With a sane manager and my INSANE senior manager off my case.

So I did a little pro and con action. Because every now and again I like to fool myself that I’m going to leave and have a real life:

Staying:
Con - be not happy for the next year. Such high pressure and so demanding. I don’t love the work. Not REALLY enjoying the world – just whipping through it. Changing me already. Becoming more negative, and pessimistic (yes, it is possible). Run the risk of it changing me permanently to a person I don’t want to be. Run the risk of loosing the love of my life. That relationship is waiting for me. Home. Missing my family grow progress... namely Kicker.
Pro - Get a good job off program doing sales/marketing, or whatever I want for that matter. Far better than if I left right now. Learn exceptional amounts. Unbelievable amounts. Learning more and faster than I could anywhere else. See the world and meet some very cool people. Learn how to deal/work with all kinds of different managers and people – quickly.
Leaving
Con – loose the job I’m learning so much from. Run the risk of not finding a better job. Loosing the edge/advantage it gives me. Probably have to leave GE. Loosing all of my GE contacts/support. No more cool travel.
Pro – emotional happiness with trying relationship… giving it a valid chance. Get to go home to my family & friends in LA. A permanent place to be – no more draining travel. A social life. Hobbies again (running, reading, tennis, skiing, soccer, hiking).

Follow my heart. What DOES my heart say? Why am I all practicality? It says I’m not happy. But can I do it for a year? Can I balance it and not take it too seriously? I hope so. Because I am.

My Mom is brilliant. Anyone who has met her knows this. So basically anyone reading this knows it. Insane (this part only my family knows… and now you), but brilliant. I had a conversation with her on Wed. It was the start of her day. The end of mine. But she helped me sort through my relationship with Love all in one conversation, twenty minutes and put my mind at ease about it. She helped me see how it’s the perfect situation right now. I have freedom to be alone, which I need. I haven’t been, enough. I still have love. I will always have love. Love still needs to figure out his life and his path, and now he has the freedom to do it as well. We can be happy when together, and if the time is right and it works out, we’ll be happy in the future as well. That’s that. I’ve been writing too much about that lately so I’ll veer away (probably because I’m going to see him tonight, so I’m at peace with it).

“All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don’t mean anything when you’ve got no one to tell them too. It’s true. I was made for you.”

If you haven’t heard Brandi Carlile, and you’re in your late 20s and female (or male for that matter or not in your late 20s… for those who are not so great with logic, that means everyone) listen to her. She has some great messages in her lyrics.