I scored a private room on the train on the way to Mannhiem.

I’m on the train, in Germany. Ready for some big German words? I’m going from Freiburg to Kaiserslautern by way of Mannheim. My best bud on audit staff knows some peeps in Kaiserslautern, so I’m heading that way to have friends for the night. Somehow I managed to sneak in to a private compartment on the train. I’m alone in the compartment and I feel like I’m on my own private little train. It’s calming. Watching the German countryside fly by outside my window.

This is my fourth day in Germany and well, everything is almost exactly as I expected it to be. Freiburg is a clean and quaint little town. More a university town than anything else, at least that’s how it feels. It has lots of streets where cars aren’t allowed (which anyone who knows me well knows this is my favorite thing). Little shops, a town square that has a BEAUTIFUL big old Gothic cathedral. Oh and there’s a river that I’ve been running on. It’s really really a pretty town. Pretty and quaint.

Work is… better. I’m not sure how it got better. Less pressure, I think. I’m not convinced anyone really cares about me out here. There are more important things going on. My manager is managing eight people. That’s a lot on staff. She’s good, though. Calm. Well spoken, thoughtful, and not as abrasive as my last manager… funny because I seem to only be assigned to female managers, although they are rare on staff. I spent some time last night writing and reflecting on why I’m auditing here right now and what I want my outcome to be. I think sometimes when I get all wrapped up in the data and testwork I loose perspective of what I’m doing and trying to get out of the audit. Especially when I’m alone in the field. My clients here have been great, though. I really enjoy working with them which is helpful. And they are very very kind to me. I’m trying to move through my testwork FAST to be able to get my butt out of here when I plan on getting out of here. The current expectation is to leave on Thursday morning. But I have this feeling it may be pushed to Friday… .maybe even Saturday. Goal is to get home for brother and sister in law’s party on Saturday night. They’re calling it a “Sausage Fest”. Because brother is only going to serve sausages. He said that if I want to eat anything else, I have to bring it myself. I’m thinking of stopping at Sprinkles again and bringing cupcakes. I love that place. I like eating cupcakes until I almost want to throw-up. It makes me happy.

So a couple of interesting things to note from the last couple of days:

I have a friend who’s auditing in Nigeria (an x-lover, actually.. yup. Didn’t work out.Yes, another one). And we were talking about Nigeria the other day and he went off on a tangent, which I thought was extremely insightful. You have to excuse the sametime (an instant messenger of sorts) slang but this is what he said:
Who’s to blame for Nigeria: everyone…put blame on Britain for having made this one country not the three ethnicities it is, on the people who stirred up the Biafran war for the oil, on the amazing beauty of the mangrove, now ruined by pollution, on the government who stole so much (estimated $220bn 'missing') from the people, the large oil companies who condone and cultivate the corruption. And now the guys who pull the strings behind the militants and cash in on the subsequent oil movements...

So there you have some pent up frustration. This kid lived in Nigeria for a while when he was a young boy and went back to visit his father who continued to live there for a while when he was a teenager. He knows it.

Then I had another conversation with the same guy that perturbed me:

My ex : Your slightly naive side is attractive to guys, makes them want to protect and look after you... don't loose it
Me: That’s not why I want a man to be attracted to me anyway nor do I want to be looked after, really. I want an equal. Someone who trusts me and doesn't think i need to be looked after but instead someone who will take care of me if I need it. But let me be if I don't. And just talk to me through things. Who will be my counterpart. Not my father. I already have a great one of those.

Is this true? Do I really come across this way? Naïve and needed to be looked after?? Can someone let me know? If so, I need to change this. I didn’t like that he said this.

Speaking of boys. On that front. I had a rough conversation with Love last night. One of those cry yourself to sleep conversations. What a crier I am. Basically, I’ve been trying pretty hard and putting quite a bit in to relationship (which, I remind you, is not a relationship because we both refuse to do long distance… we’ve already been there). I mean, I have a lot to prove to Love. Ya, he screwed me over a couple of times. But I’ve hurt him worse. And done some terrible things to him. So this is why I’ve been trying hard. To show him exactly how much I do care and how much it’s something I want in the future when we’re both able to do it. But it’s been almost entirely me. He gives himself to me when I’m home and I’m with him, but when I’m not, he doesn’t give much. He tells me he loves me, but that’s the extent of it. Can I do this? Can I keep arranging my plans to try and be near him when he doesn’t do the same for me? It hurts for it to be one sided, even if I do have a lot to prove to him. But all I’m basically doing is just holding on until I can get back to Los Angeles (another year after staff is done) and try the relationship for real. What if in the mean time he meets someone he thinks he can work it out with? What if I break down? Too many what if’s. I have to figure this out and come to some sort of conclusion. And I know he’s not going to be much help. He doesn’t want to be much help. He wants me to make a sacrifice for him so he knows that I’m serious about it.
He just wants me home to be with him in LA and trying the relationship for real.
Do I know how to do anything for real?