Paused but not muted

Paused. There were all these decisions to make. What was I going to do with my life: What would my next profession be? Who would I marry? When were the babies going to start coming? Where would I live?

Somehow I’ve settled in to a short period of contentment with just focusing on the right now- very rare for me. The questions are still in the back of my mind, but I’ve been working in Atlanta for the last two weeks (leaving on the weekends to go to see the boy who could be “it”- my Lark) and I’ve been wholly wrapped up in the work without being wrapped up in work. Confusing, yes, but it makes sense in my head. Basically, I’m able to step back these days and breath and keep my head on straight about it all. But I’m still working my butt off.

The question is why the change? Is it that Lark is in such a period of flux and decision making pressure that I’ve backed off to let him do the worrying? Figuring that my time will come later? Or is it that I’ve lost motivation? I hope not that latter? And if so, I need to get my head out of my ass.

I’m flying home to LA. The sky is pink and orange outside the window of the airplane. I land in 25 minutes. I’m going home to my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary party. 40 years of marriage. 40 years of every day together: every day commitment. They are a model beyond models. Especially because they still challenge one another. They still find each other so interesting and you can hear it in their questions and see it in the way they look at each other. I know I use the adjective amazing all the time, but they really are amazing. I pray for what they have. I pray for my brothers to find what they have. I pray for my friends to find what they have. I will wait for it.