It

Explore. Exploration with a home base that’s my own. I’m ready to have a home to come back to each night and a person to share things with and check in with them.

I couldn’t do it with Love because although he says he was, he wasn’t ready for me. He has his own exploration still to do. He didn’t feel strong enough to commit to it and make any sacrifice for it, even the sacrifice of committing to me while I was away. Even the sacrifice of waiting just a little bit longer for me. He wouldn’t wait. He says I was sending him a signal by going back, I think he was sending me a signal by not holding on.

But I can’t blame him. I realize it’s not his fault. He is/was doing the absolute best he can to take care of himself and I respect and love that about him. I always will. I too, and trying to do the best I can.

I have criteria. I made a list. When I was in Atlanta with Michelle W. (old manager) we sat together in a sad, boyless, distraught state and wrote down what we wanted in a partner. I will not settle until I have these things.

I have this problem, this great fault- or strength, however you want to label it. I think my Mother gave it to me. I don’t miss people. If I do, it’s only for very very short periods of time. I’ll be sad, but then I’ll move on and work to make myself happy wherever I am. And I’m good and quick at this moving on.

I asked my brother about this “fault” and if he thought I was truly capable of the true commitment and his response was this: “I now believe that that reason we don't miss people is that we've been mercifully spared any real, cataclysmic loss -- basically, no one's died. We're simply emotionally pragmatic. We don't miss people, because we know we'll see them again. Or we won't, but that'll be as it should. Of course you're capable. Don't be ridiculous.”

Now there is this connection, this missing link that found me in Moscow, Russia. And I told him this. I told him that I was heartless in the matter of missing. And he told me it was ok. He told me that I didn’t have to miss him. He said that I did have to remember him. I had to remember him and the hole he filled.

And he does. He does fill that hole… better then maybe anyone has before and his timing is impeccable and terrible all at the same time. Maybe perfect for me, maybe absolutely horrid for him. Maybe perfect for him (just in the nick of time) maybe totally off for me. He wrote me and said, “I know good timing can turn grapes into a beautiful wine and bad timing turns even the best wines into vinegar.” He also wrote, “I have tremendous respect for who you are and how you live your life. It was a critical element in setting the course of these events for me. I know you have your rules and I have my realities. My sincere hope is that in the end they are one and the same or at least fit together.” If he were less insightful and thoughtful, it would be a lot easier.

I wrote to myself yesterday. I wrote: “The conversations have been amazing… you feel as if you could talk to him about anything and everything for hours. He’s the best listener you’ve ever met. No comparison. He listens, he really listens and makes you feel as if it’s so interesting and important- even if it’s not. He asks the right questions. Who he is, the whole of who he is, makes you feel at ease. He represents what you didn’t think existed- a person who has the vision and the drive. A person who is active and lives to participate in those activities. Someone who is thoughtful but still has the edge. Someone who wants to better himself through his choices and exposure. Someone who is as ready as I am and who’s in the same place I am. Someone who is who I am, but did not come from where I came from.

So now I wait. I practice that patience.

I go to Florida and Key West on Wednesday. I leave Moscow, Russia and all that I’ve learned and seen. I run away and mess around for a couple of days before the insanity of conference begins. And then I go home, and regroup and rethink and write and figure my self out.

And then I check in again to see what the next steps are. I’m calm, but anxious all at once. I’m ready.